Honoring & Releasing Being Married
Cover photo by anastasia shuraeva
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This is a flow forward piece from Embracing My Crone, in which I’m celebrating the ways I’m stepping into living my innate wisdom as a woman, and letting go of the ways that I’m still existing as “helpless” and even ignorant.
I should begin here by saying something that may surprise people who know me: The only thing that I truly ever wanted in this life was to be a mom, and to be married.
Photo of beautiful hopes and wishes by karolina grabowska
And now I’ll say the second thing that may explain to folks who know me why they may never get that vibe from me:
Someone asked me when I was 9-years old what I wanted to be when I grow up. I knew instantly that the answer was, “To be a mom, and to be married.” Yet in the instant my soul responded, it also followed with, “But there’s a good chance that that won’t happen in this lifetime. At least not in the ways you’re imagining.”
As I’m Embracing my Crone, which means living into my wisdom, not simply holding but not being faithful with knowledge, I’m coming to touch and agree with the cosmos and the Holy of Holies over the past several years that the bottom line is this:
The soul that I am is not created for the amount of nonsense and self-diminishing that is (still) required of me as a woman to be married in this lifetime.[1] What I desire is a partner, and it seems like there’s a huge disconnect for men (and even lots of women) that that’s far more than cohabitation, a companion, a carat, and clarity about who pays which bills.
I kind of understood in undergrad that marriage may not be in this lifetime’s wheelhouse. But folks kept insisting I should try. And I wanted it to happen, so I agreed that I should give it a go, and not just assume I fully understood what Holy Spirit said at age 9.[2]
And “trying” has always felt like some weird, unhealthy ass negotiation. The dudes[3] always insinuate that I should be a little more of this, and a little less of that. While rarely taking genuine interest in the human being I am. And also failing to show up (knowing how to show up? To continue showing up?) as a mutually supportive partner.
I have definitely played along plenty of times. Trying to figure out what aspects of me are definitive, and which are flexible. Far too many times this genuine discernment has morphed into the desperation to be chosen, me trying to just make myself fit their random checklist. Even played the damsel in distress to help him feel like a hero. The problem being that, without fail, what he wanted to save or fix wasn’t what needed addressed and healed. Likely because there’s a difference between, in a healthy context, me needing support and his needing me to let him show up for me, and in an unhealthy context me pretending to be weak so he could act like he was strong—but not actually be strong in the times and places needed.
And I’ve understood more and more over time that what men want “flexed” are the parts that are definitively me. They don’t want Me; they want the hardware, and a software upload of their fantasy woman. (I don’t even mean hardware in the sense of I have a great body, and yes I believe that I’m very pretty. It really has felt like—”This body will work.” Just that level of I could be pretty much any woman, so long as I take the software upload. No software upload—no deal.)
Like, I’m incredibly brilliant and powerful, and want to shower my person with love and support and nurturance however they need it towards fulfilling their life. And they want to know if I check random ass boxes and is it possible that I could tone down how much I care about other people—and, yeah, I could and no I won’t—but also this is all some basic ass shit, and so below meaningful purpose in life.
It's essentially the experience of men not knowing how to recognize and receive women as whole human beings with our own lives. And insisting that women pretend like men are interesting to us in ways and supportive of us when they’re not and they’re not.
Photo of a home of ramshackle promises and meaningless intentions by darya sarnikova
This carries over to how, in my experience, it always feels like the intents toward partnerships are such low stakes for what we can actually fulfill and co-create together in this lifetime. No matter how adventurous his hobbies may be, or how spontaneous he may be (often in ways that are unnecessary and meaningless, but make him socially and therefore romantically “interesting”), what they pretty much always want is to become safe together and “settle down.” If life is a game of tag, our relationship is supposed to become the home base that gives him a sense of comfortability and continuity—it’s supposed to be a shelter from life.
Why in the names of all the Heavens and cosmic possibilities would we want to settle and get comfortable for the rest of life, rather than gear up for takeoff? I hear “partner” and I think, “Person with whom I am joining so we can love and support one another in all the badass shit that it’s hard to sustain on your own. We are going to transform this world in Love, compassion, and justice like a mf’er together. While we also eat some really great food and travel and constantly celebrate life with our awesome people.”
But what happens in my experience time and again, no matter his background, is that there’s always conversation about living so big—and then his moving to make our lives so closed off, so small. And plenty of things are in fact perfectly acceptable small. For me, living life powerfully is not one of them. Is that even possible?
I’m not trying to be safe and settled—Living is neither of those things. Life, Love and compassion, especially beyond ourselves, take courage and risk. I don’t need him to protect me, and also he can’t. Like seriously—I am incredibly powerful, and on any given day I deal way more with powers and principalities than people.
Photo of a dried-up bed of commitments and promises for things I don’t need and didn’t even ask for by aaron kittredge.
Also, yes, I think this is funny.
I don’t need him to protect me—I need us to have each other’s fronts and backs.
I need him to be willing to live justly even when it means risking “what people think.” Because who the hell cares? They’re just people, too! If what somebody “thinks” matters that much to you, maybe it’s because you think it, too? Be honest instead of blaming other folks. Because we can spend as much time concerned about what our community’s relationships and care look like as we do what our house and yard look like. We can walk and chew gum at the same time.
I need him to remind his male friends and family members—and even the female ones—to mind their own damned business and messy relationships when they overstep into ours. To not shape our relationship so much on other people’s opinions that I’m actually dating them rather than him.
I need him to honor and respect our relationship enough to learn and grow in expressing his needs and emotions and desires for our shared life and relationship, and not expect me to play a guessing game of Go Fish for them, like I’m his therapist instead of his partner.
I need him to care more about securing our relationship than securing the bag. I grew up poor, and the lack of Love in the midst of difficulty was far worse than the lack of money. Money should be serving our life journey, not us living for money or a certain projection of prestige. And we can always get more. What we cannot do is keep repairing an untended and continually unnecessarily damaged relationship. At some point, it’s just through. And that’s the worst to me: When it ends not because it ended, but because one (or both!) of us never fully showed up so we could truly begin.
I need him to see me as his partner who has his back and wants him to succeed and be fulfilled, first just because I love you, fool. And also because I want us to succeed and be fulfilled together. Not as—bizarrely as hell—his competitor in the creepy game he’s made our relationship into. I need him to see me as someone he can undoubtedly trust, not someone to be continually suspicious of because he’s perceiving “me” in stereotypes of women as deceiving and manipulative. (Honestly—why do men or women date the other if this is what you believe? Seriously—Why? It’s a little sadistic, y’all.)
I need him to take seriously, affirm, and nurture that God has called my own life to do something powerful. I believe this of both us, it’s in part why I desire him. And I don’t have—and neither will he receive—time and energy to waste on nonsense.
I need him to believe and live that growing is a part of life, not a “sign” of me telling him that he’s weak. I’m not a perfect person or partner, so I’m not looking for a perfect person or partner. I am a growing person, so I’m looking for a growing partner. Growing means being humble—willing and able to receive both affirmation and when we may have hurt or harmed. And to heal, not try and “fix,” the latter of which is usually covering over rather than genuinely addressing. This is a relationship, not a Barbie doll we popped the head off of.
Black men—have a shit ton of cisheterosexism and misogyny to address. White men[4]—have a shit ton of white supremacism to be accountable for. For the Love of God, you, and me—do it.
Show up for our relationship and protect us in those ways.
And similarly, courage and risk are not the same as irresponsibility, because chaos is not disorder. I left the irresponsible ones behind a while ago. I guess the past several years have been sorting through (well, after the person I believe is my cosmic partner, who respectfully does not agree) my understanding that the flip side are too often men who believe in a life of “control” (which does not exist, and is nonsense I have neither the patience nor desperation to play along with) when all we need is gentle order. Like, let’s get it, and also: Chill. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Because Living isn’t.
We can explore the world together, but just as (more?) importantly—let’s explore Life, rather than bunker down from it.
I see little to none of this happening, whether or not I am dating or even interested in dating the man.
To be clear: There are plenty of great men as general, helpful people in the world. A few men are great at being friends to women, although not many—this goes back to the whole inability to receive and agree that women are unique and autonomous human beings beyond the “advantages” that men project onto and gain from our gender identity. Statistically, women do the majority of the emotional-relational work in any male-female relationship—familial, romantic, professional, and even as “friends.”
So this naturally carries over to my rarely witnessing nor experiencing that there are a lot of great men partners.[5] I am thankful to know, have been raised and mentored by, and be friends with several. And their presences are also testament to their rarity. I don’t do committed mess (Crones do Love, not nonsense), and I’m called past the point of sustaining the active energetic care that any of the remaining great ones might be mine.
I took a break several years ago. And then didn't take a break. And then took another break, lol. And I'm finally beginning to agree with what, in discernment, feels like a permanent "break." I’ve been aware for a while that this is coming, and I am moving into the, "Let's be truly honest with ourselves," phase, where we just honor and release it all. There’s no meaningful reason for me to remain in this space.
Especially not after I was visiting Second Mom last fall, and we drifted into a conversation similar to this one. Because she is a deeply thoughtful human being, she let me ramble for a good five minutes about how I’m pretty sure Holy Spirit is saying that I had performed my due discernment in whether or not I should be expending energy on being open for a partner,[6] Awaiting a partner seems more and more like not best focus of life and energy and this point.
She let me hem and heehaw, and then took a deep breath and outright stated that she felt she had been blessed to find the partner she had, her best friend and love of her life.
And then this: "Honestly, most relationships just aren't worth it," in terms of getting married.
I felt so seen. And officially done, lmao.
Because this followed a few months after an encounter with two women mentors who opened up about their partnerships. They and each of their husbands are highly accomplished professionally, and the women additionally in community and social justice work. But my mentors started sharing about how, in different ways, they felt they had compromised living the deeper lives they could have in relationships, community, and justice work. They carried so much of their relationship with their partner, and received little mutual support and care in terms of their own beings, life interests, and vocations. Their partners are great men. They are not great partners. Which defeats the meaning of…having them as partners.
And knowing my life and vocation, one said and the other agreed: “You and women like you in your generation are likely better off not being married. It’s not worth it for you.”
photo of Holy Spirit speaking by danielle rangel
Holy Spirit has spoken—in Their own voice, as well as through Second Mom and mentors. JE Bronson out, lol.
“But Joy,” you insist as this moves towards close, “What of the children? You can still have children!”
True, true. Because in terms of priority, being a mom has always been 100% first. Part of me maybe originally wanted a partner to help raise the kids. It’s a challenging enough responsibility with two people. (And then at some point, it did become more about sharing and co-creating life with someone, even if it doesn’t include human life.)
And. I just turned 37. Between restarting my whole life (who even am I?) at 28, and diagnoses of anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome, ADHD in the past five to seven years, I’m still learning and raising so much of myself.
I need to be clear that I’m intentionally saying “be a mom” and not “have kids.” For me, being a parent has always been about helping to raise and support littler humans into becoming their greater humans. That’s the beautiful messy job that I wanted: To support, witness, and cheerlead them into whomever it is they believe they came here to be. And it just doesn’t resonate with my calling at this moment to bring kids into the midst of me still figuring out who I am so I can help them figure out who they are.[7] I would be a kick ass mom if I was one. And our soul says we’re not signing up for that right now. And that’s sad, and we cried about it for three years, and at this point are just kind of Meh. There is yet and still so much life.[8]
So that’s it. That’s what I’ve got. If anything ever happens, Yaaaaaayyy! And I have so much life to do that I had admittedly been backburnering, hoping to join mine with someone else’s in ways and at levels that few if any men seem to want to. If it doesn’t happen (and probably won’t), that’s kind of sad. But doubtful that it’s as sad as how long I’ve been trying to make nonsense meaningful.
I sincerely apologize for the ways I’ve played along and encouraged any of this—inadvertently, and when I thought I might benefit from participating with, and so perpetuating, these dynamics and behaviors. For as much as I’ve experienced, a lot of it are things I agreed to put up with when I thought they might serve me. Even now, I’m setting this down and walking away largely because, after turning the thing around and around and around and around, I feel fairly certain that there is no angle from which I nor anyone I Love benefits from me continuing to hold it.
This is me calling “I’m out,” not “I’m innocent.” I’m done playing games with my life, and other people’s lives. I’m off to do this thing for real. And if that means letting go of something I’ve desired since I was 9 so I can live my remaining years to their fullest—welp. There it goes.
[1] For the record, I believe that there are ways men are also deluded into diminishing their wholeness, and even bamboozled by dynamics of cisheterosexism into doing it to “protect women and children,” and “being good guys.” Like, it’s a self-honor trip that’s also an ego trip, but it’s presented to them as a guilt trip. It’s also weird, because 95% of what men are “protecting women and children” from and “being a good guy” about is…men. Like, if men would just gather themselves and one another as whole people, we wouldn’t need all of the “protection” and “good guys.”
Annnnnddd I’m not a man. So my human responsibilities and commitments are to Love men as whole human beings even when they feel like they can’t while I address my woman tings. It’s neither my job nor within my capacity (nor desire, honestly) to save other people from themselves. I’m more than happy to support folks journeying into and towards their healing and wholeness—that’s my literal vocation. What is neither my job nor vocation is “saving” or “fixing” folks who don’t even want to try, or aren’t really trying. May we all be blessed and walk in wholeness and victory.
[2] Listening to my personal wants and other people over Holy Spirit is often the beginning of my biggest messes.
[3] Yes, I am straight. And please remember that sexuality is fluid, but not a choice. Because, all truth told, it makes no sense for me to want relationships with men given what I’ve experienced in our lifetime and are writing in this piece.
[4] I have had folks say, “How do you do white supremacism healing work and date white men?” Because dear, I actually do equity justice work. And when we witness intersectionality, the truth is: Ain’t nobody who don’t have mess in the realm of supremacisms. If we can’t date folks because they hold a supremacist identity, can’t nobody date nobody. As a Christian US citizen with a master’s degree, I am responsible at all times for my western Christian supremacism (which is actually a historical vehicle and at times the outright driver of many forms of supremacism), imperialism, educational elitism, and cisheterosexism.
If I was dating black men, I would as stated be dealing with a lot of cisheterosexism and misogyny. (Yes, actually—more than with white men, in my experience—Please see Damon Young’s Straight Black Men Are the White People of Black People (theroot.com) and Dr. Kristian H’s A Woman's Response To 'Straight Black Men Are The White People Of Black People' | HuffPost Communities). If he was a man of another color, it’s usually colorism and some general anti-blackness; depending on his background, classism as well.
Very few if any folks in the western hemisphere are clean in the 21st century. Sweep the sidewalk in front of our own homes, beloveds. Be discerning—date actual human beings, not a person’s ideals, nor our idealization of them. And apparently, now I’m not dating anyone, so whatever.
[5] I mean this, and I stand on it. My woman friends often think their partners are good companions and great dads. The number one thing they complain about is that their partners are shitty partners, and that they as the woman in the relationship are responsible for “managing” the relationships and their lives, and their partners are rarely interested in them as people, or what’s meaningful to them.
Liberation is we all have the right to choose the life that we believe is meaningful for us. “Companion” and “great dad” works for and is meaningful for them, and I’m glad for them. And by their own assessment, many of their own partners are shitty partners to them.
[6] It doesn’t matter if we’re not actively seeking someone. Even considering joining our life with another person’s…is…ENERGY. And I no longer feel committed to give any in this direction.
[7] Which I now do as a calling and vocation/transformational change coach, but with grown-ups, communities, and organizations. So when Holy Spirit says, “Yes, but not like that…” They often mean it.
[8] I’m going to go ahead and say here: Please do not message me anything along the lines of, “But Joy, you can still have kids! Have hope!” I just said, “The Holy Spirit said…” They told me this 28 years ago, and golly gee willikers, it turns out Holy Spirit may well be right. I wonder how that happens? Speaking against the Holy Spirit is not hope, so I’m going to ask you to keep that “hope” to yourself. Encourage me in God and the whole life I still have to Love and lead, not human delusions based on one thing happening. Thank you, Boo.