This was originally a post on my personal Facebook page. So when I make reference to “a post I made a few weeks ago,” so too, was that one. I am posting this here because a few folks asked me to make the post shareable, and my personal page is private because it’s private, lol. Any time someone requests that I make public a post on my personal page, I share it to my Love|Balms website blog, or to Love|Balms social media for public sharing.

I want to make an apology. And I make this apology not because I think anyone wants or is looking for it. I believe apology is about our recognizing where we are out of alignment with who we claim to be and what we claim we desire to experience in the world; where that may cause harm; and how we’re committing to being better going forward. Apology is for growth, not for personal forgiveness.

A few weeks ago—though at this point it seems much longer ago—I made a post about how I felt folks were overreacting to the news of COVID-19 coming to the US.

My main concerns were this:

People were panicking over barely existent information, and simply spreading the panic. The information folks were sharing was non-contextual—rarely substantiated or explaining what things meant in a larger picture, and so completely unhelpful in understanding: “What do we genuinely know?” and “What should we be doing?”
That at least in the US, we were being xenophobic—fearfully overreacting to an illness because it seemed to be derived from a non-white/Western/European country, and targeting persons who “look like” they come from the country/region in which the illness or issue is believed to have manifested.
That we’re hypocritical in our xenophobia because we’re grossly neglectful of reducing the effect of diseases of which we are knowledgeable (through vaccinations; staying home when we’re sick for those of us who have that capability; not sending sick kids to school; covering our mouths when we cough and sneeze; washing our hands, etc.)

I stand by all of these things. They are all sadly truly and highly accurate.

I had to give guidelines both to some family members and some folks that I work with on when sharing information is helpful and meaningful sharing, versus panic sharing. (“There’s no context to this data, but now I’m confused and scared as sh!t, so I’m sharing—everyone panic with meeeeeeeee!!!!”) I’m having to learn myself that, if I can’t answer the question of how we believe it’s helpful to share (this is what is context is for)—and which we should be telling people in the first place—it’s a glaring sign that I’m panic sharing. Which is a sign that I need to call an audible and ask for help, not continue pretending I’m providing it. And social media makes this a highly common experience.

We have a strong history of overreacting to and maligning majority non-white countries and persons in the past for illnesses that we were afraid would spread to us, while as a society offering no active attention, care, or aid, or even “thoughts and prayers” to the affected countries or regions (see: zika, SARS, Ebola, MERS). Given the well-trodden path of that existing pattern, it wasn’t hard to spot the xenophobic comments and “conversations” on social media and in the regular news media about the virus. And, though the media keeps claiming it’s shocking (no, it’s not—We’re racist. The End.), anyone who has ears to hear should now be aware of the rise in cases of racial harassment experienced by Asian Americans over the past couple of months, and especially the past few weeks.

I don’t need to even talk about the third point, because we all know good and well how much we’re not committing to basic care when we can. And how many are forbidden, lest they lose their jobs.

So for what am I apologetic, given all of this?

I’m apologetic because for some reason, to render fully accurate that many of us are unhelpfully panicking, collectively xenophobic, and generally neglectful of wellness in the first place, I felt that I needed to throw in the kicker: “The flu is a bigger deal than this.”

This may read as pointless to some folks. But I’m a pastor and healer likely going into ethics, and so need to live greater responsibility with my own ethics and the words that come from my spirit and out of my mouth. And I’ve done enough of other parts of my journey that this is a next significant step.

One month later, I realize I simply could have said, and am to say going forward: “We need more information. And for now, all we can do, is what we can do.”

Which likely isn’t as calming of panic and dismissive of racism and hypocrisy as “It’s not a that big a deal. Shut up.” But in genuine healing, that we needed more information, and that all we can do is what we can do, was what was true.

And it remains true as of the moment I’m writing this. This is a novel virus, which means it’s the first time that Earth’s scientists are aware that we’ve encountered it. At this moment, we still don’t officially know how it’s transmitted (which is why we’re being asked to social distance and #StayAtHome). We still don’t officially know how long it hangs in the air or lives on surfaces. We don’t have a vaccine at this time, and once we do, it may take months for it to be available at a level that we can begin vaccinating for herd immunity.

But I didn’t say that, because what I honestly—selfishly—wanted, was for people to STOP screaming. And STOP fearmongering. And STOP being racist. And STOP being hypocrites. And STOP passing on their anxiety and ratcheting up my own in the process. (I’m pretty certain I let the last one drive, and that’s where we took this wrong turn.) I was hoping to help, but what I wanted was for people to STOP. And I went with my want.

So I was one of the folks who compared it to the flu regarding population and death toll and that, “in comparison, this isn’t as bad.”

Hopefully, by now, we all know that we can’t and shouldn’t compare these two illnesses. Given that they’re two different illnesses; they visit differently, they ravage differently, one completely uncaring how healthy you were or weren’t going in; and they ravage different age groups of people. The effect and spread of COVID-19 is such that China and South Korea are just beginning to come out of quarantine after two month periods, when parts of the US haven’t even gone in yet.

I didn’t intend to be dismissive regarding the death toll, and people falling ill, in general. Referencing the flu, I was aiming for something like, “A lot more people die from the flu every year, and we don’t bother to care then.”

And, I know that words have power. I have a degree in words, y’all. I know well that the ultimate power that they have is how people hear them, and then what people choose to do with them. So it matters how we send them out when we’re able to be cognizant of that. And I wasn’t as careful with my words as I could and should have been. Need to be. Because I shifted my focus from helping and healing to trying to make a point, and to get folks to shaddup. (I have never done this before. Never. Except kind of a lot.) And not only did that this unnecessary addition end up being horribly incorrect, it didn’t even work. #DoubleFail.

So though my initial deepest hope was to evoke a collective sense of calm as well as general care for illness—and to STOP BEING RACIST—I’ve felt the past week or so that I became so lost in my superficial intent to just shut people down that I became for some one of the voices saying: “This doesn’t matter.”

For any way in which own anxiety, my lack of care with my words, and any weight that they may carry with folks misguided folks in their actions the past few weeks:

I am sorry.

I am sorry for how in this instance—and in many other instances over my life—I allowed my fear and anxiety to be from where I responded to one another’s fear and anxiety. For what become obvious reasons once I can name it this way, it’s completely absurd to believe that my fear and anxiety can healthfully or helpfully meet, address, or help resolve anyone else’s.

I could not for the life of me understand how folks were (are?) ignoring the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control. And then I realized that where I—and maybe many others—were intending to say, “We need more information, and all we can do is the best we can do,”

I instead overreacted to overreactions (does this mean I canceled myself out and underreacted?) and erroneously and ironically (hypocritically?) trying to explain why something I know nothing about probably wasn’t a big deal.

Before folks want to come along and say, “Oh, don’t worry about it,” or “We know you didn’t mean any harm,” please be aware that you cannot tell me that things I do are okay, when they are not okay, just because you love me. You can love me, and it’s not okay. Because in actuality you love me, and it’s not okay. We all need accountability as part of the love towards living our wholer selves. Thank you for the grace and—grace means being encouraged forward, not having missteps dismissed and ignored. It means we help one another find better footing going forward.

Also, you can’t tell me it’s cool if you were yourself in any way dismissive. With rare exception, we cannot dismiss behavior in which we participated, lol. That’s not how that works—we’re really just dismissing our own behavior when we do that. I am aware many people were dismissive, for various reasons, it wasn’t only me.

And. I am personally aware of why my words are not excusable. Tomás actually said, “Sis—this apology needs to be as public as your original statement—that’s how transformative process and justice work.” Everyone who saw the original statement must also have the opportunity to hear me explain how I understand what I said wasn’t and isn’t the healthiest, and how I’m understanding my need to do it better. As for me and my house--this was a glaring misstep, and Holy Spirit wants to make certain that I pursue my invitation to realign.

And I very seriously invite that if you love me, you hold me accountable*** going forward to being responsible and more mindful not just with what I say, but with how I say it. Brandon Baxter—the conversation we had at Journey to the Table practice stayed with me. You have a way and gift for doing that with folks. Thank you for being you.

I’m gonna eff up again. In large part because I experience anxiety, and I’m stilling learning how to not let it drive in general, let alone in situations such as a global pandemic. It helps to remember that I’m here for my Self with one another—not for serving my anxiety. And it’s truly helped me to say this and have to look my Self in the face and genuinely think about who I want to be and become.

And this…is…a journeeeeeeyyyy. I already have another specific apology I know I need to make. There will be others. My spirit guide has in fact got a whole tour in learning to apologize lined up for the next several months. We’ll let this one marinate first.

My blessing and benediction:

Thank you that you are you.

Thank you for letting me be and helping me to better become me.

Love one another.

Keep learning to live from love, beyond and above experiences of anxiousness and anxiety.

Do what we are able that is helpful in healing. And in that regard, always--remain in our lane.

Let’s be loving and caring, not be racist or xenophobic.

Let’s get to our ground, not overreact to people overreacting.

Digitally, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally distance for a bit when we’re overwhelmed with what’s going in the world. Our center is not going to be found in the midst of everyone’s anxiousness. And dumping our anxiety into an overflowing pool is neither helping nor healing.

Physical distance for social solidarity. Unless it’s impossible (unwillingness does not count), #StayAtHome.

Check in with loved ones regularly.

Send out SOS’s before we need connectivity.

Wash our hands (for 20 seconds!).

Avoid touching our face (I’m so bad at this one!).

#Dab when we cough or sneeze.

Wear a facemask when we do go out.

Purchase only what we need.

May we be watchful and mindful for the more information that we need.

All we can do, is what we can do.

May we do it to be the best of our ability.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. May we take care with our Selves, and one another.

Amen & axé.

***Important Disclaimer to My Request for Accountability: My white folx who would be goofy enough to try it—I’m gonna go ahead and state clearly and plainly this does not include when I make posts solely and specifically about racism, or any part of a post that may be about racism. That’s more likely your fragility afoot than my carelessness or misstep, and we need to be clear that we will not be centering the unholiness that is white fragility. on. any. day.

Holy invitation: Have more of a conscious focus on unlearning racism and eradicating racism, than POCs talking about racism and its impact on all of our lives in a manner that is pleasing to you.***